In Process

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

Writing hurts.

I don’t mean it hurts like a pulled muscle or an upset stomach. It hurts like having to get out of bed when every fiber of your being is fighting against it. It’s that kind of wild inner discomfort that looks like nothing on the outside but can feel like torture on the inside.

The process of writing can make every fiber of my being twitchy. I want to do everything I can run away from this discomfort.

Of course, it’s not always like this. Sometimes I pop out of bed easily and sometimes the words just flow as if a divine source is speaking through me.

But I feel as though I spend an inordinate amount of time appearing as though I am doing nothing. Feeling as though I am doing nothing, accomplishing nothing.

I’ll start a blog or social media post, … and then *bam*. My mind races to another path, another thing that needs to be done, another thing I could or should be doing, … or it just goes blank. I spend 3, 5, 10 minutes with fingers hovering over a keyboard. Or I’ll indulge in an escape (usually a quick, unwanted scroll through Facebook). I’ll eventually bring myself back to the writing, typing or scribbling whatever I can get down. Then another distraction, then bringing myself back.

But here’s what I’ve come to appreciate: Writing isn’t just a process of writing.

Writing means contemplating and recording words. But it’s also the pause. It’s the distraction. It’s the 2nd cup of coffee, the anxiety, the deleting everything and starting all over, the billions of words unspoken that simmer together into a few dozen words that finally are shared.

Writing a single paragraph can happen in 30 seconds or take 3 days. However long it takes, what is happening is what is needed to get ideas into shareable format. As much as I shame myself for it, vacuuming or Facebook scrolling might be exactly what is needed as part of recording that single, impactful post. It might be what is needed to let the jumbled words in my mind settle gently down, or what is needed to find the breath of inspiration that finally creates clarity.

Of course, I’m not just writing here about writing.

Everything in life is a process. Sometimes, it seems to flow easily. Most of the time, it feels chunky and awkward and challenging.

Whether it’s writing something, paying the bills, developing a career (or 2, or 3), dealing with a loved one’s health, dealing with our own health, learning a new skill, trying to make it through a day, or trying to get out of bed, we are all in process.

The unexpected breakdown, the exhaustion, the surprise, the pause - they are all part of your developing career and of learning to care for one’s self and others and yes, of being able to get out of bed. These interwoven processes and practices are what you and I call “life”.

There’s no failing, only processes. Practices. Struggling. Crying. Dancing. Writing. Drinking coffee. Scrolling Facebook. Writing some more.

This, and this, and this.