I Choose Both.

Image credit: Ahtziri Lagarde on Unsplash

The Dream

I was me in the dream. Just plain old me. A mom. And, surprisingly unsurprising to myself and everyone else in my dream, I was a Goddess. A superhero of sorts, a powerful being that was destined to change the fate of the world. No big deal.

My memory of the dream starts at the crux of the story, where I was being asked to choose: Good or Bad.

We were in a kitchen - me, some kids, and Good and Bad. Good was so mundane that I don’t remember what they looked like. It was just assumed that I would choose Good. So much so that we were all going about our business, cooking, chatting as if nothing was going on.

Bad was a man with dark facial hair. Very well-dressed. He asked to talk to me. I decided to humor him by going back to his place. I was curious, but knowing that I would not be swayed from Good.

There was red carpet at his place. I remember thinking it would be horribly ugly anywhere else, but here, studded with the most brilliant rubies, it actually worked. Who would’ve guessed?

I was wearing a stunning, form-fitting red (velvet?) dress, and Bad offered me a heavy, flowing black cape to go with it. I shrugged, thinking it wasn’t my style - until I looked in the mirror. Swaying my hips, turning side to side, I started to feel powerful in that dress and cloak.

I heard Bad’s words. I heard him talking about being able to embrace this power. I heard random words that of course Bad would love to discuss: sex, anger, power, dominance. I remember him pouring wine, and me getting excited by the prospect of having a few sips. I never did.

Instead, I went to a balcony railing overlooking more red carpet. I remember thinking, and Bad asking what I was thinking about. I responded, “alot.”

At some point, Bad left and went back to Good’s kitchen. I rejoined them there. I told them all that it was time for the kids, who were crafting, to head off to bed.

Little had changed about anyone’s expectations. No one figured I would make a decision tonight, but that tomorrow, I’d wake, choose Good, and all of my power would swell up with Good and Bad would be defeated.

But as I stood at the sink, washing dishes and without turning around, I said, “I’ve made my decision.” They fell silent. I said,

“I choose both.”

There was no response.

It was impossible, right? I’d choose Good, we’d win the battle, Bad would come back to fight again, and we’d repeat the whole cycle. There was no middle way.

But I knew that for the battles to stop, for the war to ever be over, that the power inherent within me had to swell to both Good and Bad.

I had to (and wanted to) embrace all of the mundane beauty of Good - the expected, the known, the comfortable, the loving, the caring….and the dark, unexpected beauty of Bad - the power, the seduction, the desire, the anger, the stormy ocean of emotions.

Not attaching to some ideas and pushing away others, but curiously exploring them all.

I chose to be, fully.