Staying Sensitive

I had a completely different post scheduled for today.  But there was something more pressing that I need to share.

Don't read this is if you are offended by strong language.  I curse like a sailor in real life and am just letting a tiny bit slip through on this post. 

But seriously, fuck it.  I'm SENSITIVE.  I admit it. 

And damn it, I am going to stay that way.

I'm not glued to the news, but I'm also not avoiding it.  I am just as absorbed in the suffering in Boston as I am in moving items around in our garage because it flooded last night.

And it all has me a bit stirred up.  And I'm ok with that.

I'm breathing through all of this, even though I'm letting the pain and fear remain...and yes, from time to time, the tears flow. 

I'm still getting the laundry done and the kids got to school on time.  I'm also watching the FB feed and online news to see what is happening in Boston.  I FEEL the suffering of us all, so deeply that I can't begin to describe it, and - once again - I'm ok with that. 

I am blessed with the security (roof over my head, food on the table), health, and awareness to be able to be with this all. 

I am blessed with a sensitivity to life that many have (often by necessity) hardened to.  I fight that hardening with every bone in my body, and if that means that, during times like this, I have to slow down my own life because of what is happening hundreds of miles away,

So Be It.

So please, don't tell me to turn off the news and walk away from all of this.  I am choosing to open my heart to this suffering.  I am not drowning in it, but I am staying in the sea.

Please, don't tell me about boundaries and drawing lines and protection.  It is my choice to not surround myself with a barrier.  It is not an attack on those who do, it is simply a choice of mine to live this way.  I am open to all that floods my awareness.  This does not make "me" disappear - it simply further helps me to realize that "I" never existed in the first place.  As I stay open, I find myself in more places that I ever realized I could be.

And please, respect my choice if I do want to walk away from all of it - if I stop responding on FB or don't want to discuss the latest details.  It simply means I've found the rock bottom place within me where I need to meditate, or run, or sit back with my iced chai and read and burn through my own suffering instead of listening to the tears of others.

I'm aghast by all of the shit happening right now, all of the unbridled hatred that is being released.  I'm terrified of the cycle that this is perpetuating.

Fear unobserved leads to deeper fear.

We are all afraid, confused by how any of this could be happening.  That fear often transforms to anger.  We want to know WHY, we want ANSWERS, we want REVENGE and JUSTICE.  

The fear remains unobserved, growing, taking root.

We come up with our own answers and solidify them into facts.  It's the mental health system, it's about gun control, it's about the politicians or the terrorists or an entire world that's gone to hell.

Boom, boom, boom....the fighting continues - inside ourselves and thus, between each other.

I have no answers, but yes, I'm getting angry.

I'm getting angry because I feel myself hardening.  I want to have the answers for myself and for you, whether that answer is to meditate or do yoga or breathe or watch more or less news.  But who the hell am I to say if that's your answer?  You are on your own path. 

So I bring my fight to the table.  I'm laying it all out and letting you watch.  

(Place your bets now.)

I am sensitive.  I will continue to take all of this in, to walk barefoot in the muck of life.  

I'm getting ready to head back over to cnn.com and check on the status of what is going on in Boston and in Texas and around the world.  Then I'll head downstairs to start moving stuff around in the garage to find the source of last night's flood.  Then I'll probably fix myself another iced chai.

Through this all, behind the scenes, I'll cry and scream and get more pissed than most of you have ever witnessed.  And I'll return to the meditation cushion or my journal or the tennis courts with my kids or hit the road in my running shoes and move with and through it all.

Fuck it, I'm sensitive.

And I'm going to stay this way.

Namaste.