Coming Out
Hey friends. This was a tough one to write, but extremely important information to share.
As you may or may not know, I’m a 46-year old, midwest mom of two, married to my male partner for nearly three decades, previous PTO member, tennis mom, mini-van driving dog owner, almost as plain-Jane and societally vanilla as you can get.
And today,
I’m coming out as queer.
This will mean nothing to some of you. To some of you, it will mean you choose to end our relationship. To some, it will come as no surprise, and to others, a complete shock. Some of you will celebrate this with me. Some of you will despise me.
And to some, this will create a new connection between us - a depth of understanding and of being seen, new opportunities for conversation - that we desperately need.
Ultimately, I am doing this public coming out for myself and absolutely no one else. But I also feel in the depths of my being that I am to connect with those who resonate with this. This sharing of stories is what our souls long for, something the world needs.
I fully acknowledge that coming out in this way invites questions, criticisms, and celebrations. With trembling fingers and anxiety that even my meds aren’t calming - but a calm, fierce strength through the knowing that I NEED to do this - I invite all of that.
(Even though this is really fucking hard to do.)
This initial announcement is to share with you this information and to hopefully address some of the more common questions.
So let’s dive in.
WATCH THE VIDEO (approx 25 minutes) OR CONTINUE READING BELOW.
(Information is the same in both)
• What is “queer”? Why that term? •
[ 3:39 in video ]
“Queer” is a term used to describe a life orientation outside of heterosexual or heteronormative practices.
It can describe a sexual orientation that is not straight (heterosexual), without indicating the gender of the queer person or the people they are attracted to. Some people identify as queer because it doesn’t reference gender, and some people prefer queer because it can expansively include attraction to people of a range of genders (similar to “pansexual” and “bisexual”). In another sense, it also means, “odd, different”.
That is how I feel, who I am.
I have long identified as bisexual. I’ve not been outspoken about it but I also have not kept it hidden. I have now chosen the term “queer” because it feels more encompassing of my identity.
I am aware of, and want to acknowledge, the problems of identifying with this term.
There is a long history of the word queer being used as a slur and in a derogatory way. Some in the LGBT community find it inappropriate to use it. Others choose the term to reclaim and to own the power of it.
There is not a right and wrong side to this. It is just the word with which I most resonate. While I’m deeply anxious about further alienating people, I have chosen to embrace it despite the potential conflict.
• Why come out now? Why come out so publicly? •
[ 6:23 in video ]
To die from a life not fully lived feels more and more to be one of the greatest tragedies.
I am tired of “half living”. I am tired of knowing things but not feeling comfortable expressing them freely. I am tired of lying through silence or omission. I’m tired of clinging to routine and safety and tired of comforting others at the expense of my own vitality.
Approximately a month ago, I began communication with my husband, then my kids, then my close family and a few friends. It was important to offer them the space to process this with me, as they would also be impacted by my identity and expressions.
It was also important for me to understand and face the questions needed to be answered, such as why I would bother to come out in such a public way.
An unexpected realization was that answering the questions made me realize, for the first time in perhaps forever, that I am willing to choose my self-expression over making others comfortable. If for no other reason, the strength I’ve found through choosing that is enough to keep going on this path.
Another unexpected realization happened when a friend asked me this question (about coming out so publicly). We engaged in a caring, connecting conversation about who we were and why we would choose to share parts of ourselves (or to keep things unspoken).
And it hit me that I wanted to have more conversations like that. That by speaking about coming out, I am initiating or giving space for conversations that I feel need to happen.
And…. I want to connect with a community.
I want to have ongoing conversations with those who understand, perhaps those who have been-there, done-that, those who are exploring life in ways similar to my paths. While I want to support others, I also want to finally open myself to receiving support as well.
I want to be able to be seen in my fullness. I want to be recognized for who I am and to feel free to talk about that self whenever the opportunity or need arises.
I want this for me and I want this for YOU.
I am also 150% certain that I am not alone in these feelings, this process of becoming aware of an identity outside of that which I’ve claimed for years, of finally acknowledging that there is SOMETHING MORE to who I am.
SHARING OUR STORIES MATTERS.
The more people that embrace, explore, embrace, and express the fullness of who they are, the more others will feel permission to do the same. I have always believed that the world is a better place when people are living authentically. So many gifts are hidden when we keep parts of ourselves shrouded in shame.
• But you are married to a man? / What about your husband? / Does this mean you are leaving your relationship? •
[ 11:46 in video ]
Yes, I am currently married to a heterosexual man in a monogamous relationship.
As I mentioned, before talking to anyone else, I approached my husband about this. We have always wanted the best for one another. In fact, it was written into our wedding vows - to grow together and independently.
Our 23-year relationship has always had its challenges - more than other marriages, I suppose. However, this issue is not ending our relationship. He is thankfully supportive of me in this area, even if he understandably has a lot of questions. My partner is a wonderful person who I am lucky to love and to be loved by. We are figuring things out as we go along, redefining our relationship as we live our lives.
I am NOT LOOKING FOR OTHER PARTNERS.
Beyond that, I ask you to respect the privacy of our relationship.
• How can you be queer while in a heterosexual marriage? •
[ 13:34 in video ]
This is a large part of what I’ve been exploring privately for months (if not years) and will be exploring more publicly over this coming year.
How does being in a relationship influence or define one’s identity?
How can a married person be bisexual? How can a single person be heterosexual or gay? Does it take a relationship with another person to define who you are? If not, how does one maintain an independent identity meshed with the identity of being “in relationship”?
For now, suffice to say it’s 100% possible to be queer while in a heterosexual marriage.
I can be … I AM who I am regardless of who I am with. You can be (you ARE) who you are regardless of anyone else.
If you are confused yet open-minded, stick around. I am so excited about exploring this together.
If you just don’t believe it’s possible, so be it. I don’t need your understanding to live my life.
• What about your kids? How are they taking it? •
[ 15:26 in video ]
My kids love me. I love them. We support one another no matter what we are all going through. Beyond that, my relationship with my children and their relationship with me is not for public consumption.
Unless you have an established friendship with them, I ask that you leave them out of any questions/concerns you may have and address me directly. (I have been and will be fiercely protective of them and this boundary is non-negotiable.)
• Are you looking to be with another person? •
[ 16:32 in video ]
I answered this above, but it deserves its own response. I know that there is a huge misconception that if someone identifies as gay or especially as bisexual, pansexual, or queer, that they are attracted to, and want to be with every person they possibly can.
This. Is. Not. True. There are sexually explorative people within the heterosexual community and sexually conservative people within the heterosexual community.
There are monogamous and non monogamous (consensual or non consensual) people in that community as well.
There are romantically adventurous people who love easily and aromantic people (meaning having low or absent romantic desire) who identify as heterosexual. There are the same in the gay/rainbow community.
Every human being has their own desires, boundaries, beliefs, values, and practices.
In my case, I either want to be with my current partner or alone.
So, no. I’m not looking to be with anyone else. I don’t need anyone else to validate my identity.
• What does being queer mean for your future? •
[ 18:25 in video ]
The first thing I can say about this is that ever since I gave myself permission to identify as queer, I started breathing easier.
There is SUCH power in giving yourself the permission to be fully who you are - even (especially) if it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel “appropriate”, or it goes against who you feel you should be.
One of my favorite quotes is by Walt Whitman.
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.”
There is FREEDOM in fully understanding and living that.
To be honest, I don’t completely know what identifying as queer means for my future. In some ways, it changes nothing - because it is who I’ve always been. But in most ways, it affects and will change almost everything.
I’ve addressed questions about my marital relationship above, which seems to be the primary question on most peoples’ minds. I don’t know what this means for us, for my children, for my immediate family, for extended family, friends, acquaintances, etc.
As with any and all relationships, it will be up to those involved to continuously and consciously define and redefine the ever-changing selves involved - and how those selves interact.
Some relationships will fall apart. Some will grow stronger. I’ve already been experiencing this and it is affirming and uplifting and heartbreaking.
Including and beyond that, I plan to use this power of self-awareness and self-expression to influence who I am in the world.
As I mentioned, an unexpected realization of this coming out process was that I am able to put myself first, even when it makes someone else uncomfortable. This is not something I was able to do before. I hope to continue to grow in that ability, which will permeate all types of interactions in my daily life.
I plan to grow in community and strengthen friendships with those who choose to embrace the fullness of who I am. I want to become more actively involved in the LGBTQ community, not just as an ally, but as a member.
And I plan to connect with each of my potential and current professional customers/clients on a much deeper and more authentic way.
I am hoping that by continuing to be more fully myself, I radiate a permission and encouragement for others to do the same.
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Every day forward from here is actually an exploration of what it means to be queer. And every day is an exploration of what it means to be Lisa, to be a photographer, to be a mother, to be partnered, to be SO many other things in relation to - and outside of - being queer.
I am large. I contain multitudes.
THANK YOU for reading this far. I am deeply grateful to not only have the space to express this, but listening hearts and ears to receive it.
I am more than happy to answer any questions that you may have (so long as they are asked with caring curiosity and not aggressive hatefulness). Please comment below or reach out on Facebook, Instagram, or via email.
As I have mentioned, this aspect of myself will influence some parts of my life in very tiny ways and other parts of my life in very visible ways.
In regards to my world work (my content sharing, my portrait and event photography),
I also hope that it continues to give people the inspiration and encouragement to be more fully themselves - however that feels on the inside and looks on the outside.
I am walking the walk, right alongside of you.