A Wardrobe of Multitudes

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash

Yesterday, in the midst of what seemed like a monumental chore, I took a break to post on Facebook.

“Warning: Mundane and whiney post ahead", I began.

What followed was what I thought, at the time, a mundane and whiney post about sorting through my clothes. [Spoiler alert: It was a lot more than that.]

I lamented about having far too many “going out” clothes* - clothes that, thanks to Covid and cooling outdoor weather, I had no plans to wear for at least many months. But I loved those outfits and how they made me feel, and wasn’t quite ready to get rid of them.

*I fully acknowledge and appreciate that even having the choice of what to wear is a luxury, and I ask that you remember the same. With every item you touch in your closet, feel gratitude that you have that item to keep your beautiful body safe from the elements and within society’s expectations.

I eventually pulled myself away from social media and back to the task at hand, pausing every once in awhile to read the comments on my post. As I did so, I realized that, despite what I’d thought in the beginning, this clothes-sorting task was a far-deeper psychological chore than I was acknowledging.

With each item I pulled out (or tried to ignore), it wasn’t just the fit, function, quality, and style of the item I was examining.

I was also asking myself, “Who am I? Who do I want to be? Does this piece of clothing support and reflect that? Do I need this, and for what purpose?” …. and, of course, the Marie Kondo question and one reflected by many commenters, “Does this bring me joy?”

No wonder I was feeling so overwhelmed.

To clarify for those who don’t know me in person, I am certainly no fashionista. I do 80% of my shopping (or used to, pre-Covid) at resale stores. The sweatshirt I am wearing as I type this is over 25 years old. It’s one of my favorite cozy items. And

I love to feel sexy. So while I collect yoga pants and roomy sweatshirts, I also have an array of tighter-fitting, skin-showing items that put a sultry smile on my face no matter my previous mood. And

I love to feel playful and to move. On top of those yoga pants and form-fitting dresses, I have shirts with sayings that make me smile and skirts that flow with wild billows as I spin. And so many more clothes that reflect the so-many-more parts of who I am.

Which brings me to the challenging crux of this whole closet-sorting, who-am-I journey: (which I’ll offer through one of my favorite quotes)

Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes. -Walt Whitman

The question that led thousands to purge items in their household during Marie Kondo’s height of fame - Does this bring me joy - was a question I always had trouble answering. And now I understand why:

My answer is almost always, It depends. For I am large - I contain multitudes.

This sweatshirt I’m wearing now brings me immense joy as I cozy into our oversized chair with my coffee at hand. On a late Saturday afternoon as I’m shifting through hangers and folded clothes, looking for my desired outfit for the evening, the sweatshirt certainly does not bring me joy. I’ve often wondered why I hang onto the ratty thing, letting it take up space in a closet that could be filled with delightful colors and fabrics.

The dress with a hemline that some would say is far too short for someone over 40 years of age brings me immense joy when I wear it out on date night with my husband. But like the sweatshirt, I’ll come across it in my closet and question why I’m hanging onto it. Do I really need that dress to make me feel sexy? Is it worth the effort?

I have a silver headband with tiny chains and a charm that dangle onto my forehead. It’s rather bohemian, and something within me gets giddy when I wear it. At other times, I’ll try it on, look at it (and pictures of myself when I’ve worn it) and not like it nearly as much…if at all.

I have countless items that bring me joy at certain times and absolutely no emotion (or negative emotion) at other times.

I contain multitudes.

If you pause to think about it, (and if you never have, take a moment to do so now) what multitudes do you contain that are reflected by and influence your choices of adornment (i.e. your clothes, accessories, shoes, eyeglasses, hair color, etc)?

Perhaps you are someone whose style is well-defined and fairly consistent. If so, I envy you.

Or perhaps you are someone like me, whose multitudes lead to a wonky wardrobe.

Here are a few of my layers I (consciously or unconsciously) considered while sorting through that closet :

A present-day, chaotic environment that changes who each of us is and how we show up in the world (including how we dress). For example, moral and political statements are common on hats, shirts, and masks. Noting whether or not someone is wearing one of these (and/or whether you choose to and the reactions you draw) influences your well-being as you navigate the public world.

Covid-restrictions on shopping and going out — It’s much harder to shop for clothes right now even if I wanted to replace anything and there are far fewer reasons for wearing “fancy” clothes when comfy, easy-to-wash clothes will do just fine for staying at home.

An awareness that how I dress influences who I am, regardless of whether or not anyone else sees what I’m wearing.

An ongoing struggle with body image - wanting to embrace and celebrate every roll and curve of who I am versus wanting to carefully smooth it out, tuck it away, shape it into who I want to be. (Thus, choosing clothes that support and amplify those opposing views. I have both kinds in my closet right now.)

A climate as variable as Indiana’s - where it could be 45 degrees F in the morning and 80 degrees F by the afternoon, so everything from sweatshirts to tank-tops and jeans to shorts needs to be easily accessible in a crowded closet.

There are so many layers to what one wears (pun intended). Just “throwing something on” (or staying in pjs all day) reflects upon and influences who you are just as much as carefully curating and tailoring each day’s outfit.

Going through those layers - the clothes and the thoughts surrounding them - can be enlightening and exhausting. Doing so is an important practice on the journey of well-being. It helps you to become more aware of who you are in this moment, who you are choosing to be in the next, and gives you permission to let go of that which is no longer serving that being (clothes or thoughts).

You create more space in your closet and your mind for the wild multitudes that you are to be examined, adored, and expressed.

Next time you go to choose an outfit or, *gasp* take on the monumental task of cleaning out your closet, remember these reflections.

Breathe and be gentle with yourself. Choose knowing you can, and will, change your mind. Without judgment, practice being you through those choices.

And as with the closet, so with life.