It's Okay

Photo by Ryan Franco on Unsplash

I’m okay with it. And then I’m not.

Insert for “it” hundreds of thing of your choosing, and that statement will probably still hold true.

I’m okay with social media. And then I’m not.

I’m okay with the mess this country is in. And then I’m not.

I’m okay with the pile of papers on the counter. And then I’m not.

I’m okay with the bulge around my stomach and my widening hips. And then I’m not.

“Okay” might mean happy with, as in “wow, life really is okay right now!”. Or “Okay” might mean accepting of, as in “it’s messed up and I can’t deal with it right now and that’s okay.”

Regardless, the feelings change.

They always change.

—-

Dozens of times a day (more honestly and appropriately, dozens of times an hour), I reflect on the shape of my body. My stomach, the rolls, my hips.

Dozens of times an hour, I am not okay with it. I’m ashamed that I just grabbed that handful of nuts or wheat thins (once again). I’m frustrated that I can’t keep my actions in line with who I claim I want to be - fit, active, moving with a body ready to respond to anything. I’m not okay with not feeling sexy anymore because of this body.

And I’m not okay with the fucking societal values that tell me not to be okay with whatever shape I’m in.

Dozens of times an hour, almost as quickly as I consume that handful of wheat thins, I am suddenly okay with it. With my body, my stomach, the rolls, my hips. I love this body and all it has been through and all that it allows me to go through right now. I embrace the sensual curves and folds and even the funky trail marks in my skin left around my belly button from my second pregnancy. I am *okay* with it all. (Said in the most sultry, hot-damn, I’ve-got-this-and-I’m-LOVIN’-it voice.)

—-

Here’s the meta-reflection, the important is-ness of it all:

The okayness or not okayness doesn’t matter.

The more I try to hold on to being okay or change things when they aren’t okay*, the worse I feel. Because regardless of what I do, it will change. I will always be chasing something that will slip away.

[*I want to point out that I’m not talking here about things that need to be changed, such as an abusive relationship or racist and misogynist structures that oppress people in our society. Yep, totally going there. Because being okay with those things means they will keep right on going, and that is NOT okay, ever.]

A few quotes come to mind as I hone in on what is important:

“What you are looking for is what is looking”

-St Francis of Assisi

“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”

-Attributed to various sources

What is important is my ability to dance with okayness and not okayness. To understand that this dance is life. To remember, again and again, that it doesn’t matter so much if my stomach is flat or flabby, if society accepts it or not, if social media is beneficial or harmful, if our country is burning through ashes and will rise like a phoenix or is just burning.

What matters is that I understand that it matters.

This, right now. Breathing in, breathing out. You’re alive, I’m alive, and there is no other place to be then right. here.

There’s no other body shape to achieve, no other president to elect (except in November - VOTE VOTE VOTE), no other thing to chase, nothing you need to fear losing.

It’s okay, and then it won’t be, and then it will be

and on and on we dance and breathe.