FOMO
Photo by Benedikt Geyer on Unsplash
It started with a Facebook post. “EPIC YARD SALE!!!” I figured it couldn’t hurt to glance.
This discount store, from where we’ve purchased things before, is 90-minutes away from our house. They operate on a first-come, first-serve basis - so items disappear quickly. (Lure #1: Get it now or never.)
This “epic yard sale” promised tons of items we’ve been considering for our home, but haven’t purchased locally. Towels, bedding, curtains, …
And not only did they have those things listed, but they were really inexpensive deals. (Lure #2: Get it now for prices you’ll NEVER find again.)
I woke this morning, uncertain if I’d make the 3-hr round-trip to secure some of those goodies. I had other things to do, I’d have to get there and wait in line in 14-degree weather for 45 minutes, … but the DEALS and what I could have, the new things I could own by this afternoon!!
And here is where the true lessons of this experience start to appear.
I’m certain that at some point, you’ve had FOMO.
(Fear Of Missing Out.)
It might not have been over some epic yard sale, but perhaps about a party or gathering, a unique outfit in a resale boutique, or a one-time-only class offering.
FOMO makes us believe that if we don’t do or get this thing NOW that life will be miserable because of it. You’ll miss out on that opportunity and have to live with regret for the rest of your life. Or something like that.
To be fair, FOMO has sometimes gotten me out of the house when I otherwise would’ve chosen comfortable laziness, and its fear-based energy has driven me to experience something that I’m actually glad I didn’t miss out on. (This intermittent reward when giving in to FOMO is part of the reason it is so addictive.)
But to have FOMO over a bed cover, a play tent, and an electric kettle? And to literally feel the anxiety of the FOMO in my gut and chest when I woke?
It was time for a little me-to-me intervention.
(*I kid you not - as I’m typing this, a reminder of the EPIC YARD SALE just popped up on my laptop screen, and the anxiety did an instant bubble up inside of me.)
If you suffer from this type of reaction when thinking about missing out on something, I encourage you to consider my practices from this morning.
I got the kids up and ready to get on the bus, then headed out for my 40-minute walk. (Yay #Walk365ish.)
During that walk, I went between “certain-that-I-was-going-to-the-sale-right-when-I-got-home” to “certain-that-I-wasn’t-going” probably 10 times. Ultimately, I decided I wasn’t going. That’s not the important part, though. The important parts are the practices that led to that decision (and the practices after the decision was made).
Here’s what helped me (and will hopefully help you) make a clear, healthy decision while caught in the grips of FOMO.
1) Practice non-judgmental awareness. Like a witness sitting on the sidelines and munching popcorn, “I” listened to myself as I went back and forth on my arguments. I felt both sides as I thought them, but I also felt that detached, peaceful awareness … knowing that no matter what decision I made, it would still be Friday, I would still be Lisa, and life would still be going on.
2) Consider if the “lures” mentioned above are really true (e.g. this item/price/event/experience will NEVER ever be available again). In my case, I knew that these things are just things. If I pass on this opportunity, I’d still be able to find what I TRULY NEEDED WHEN I NEEDED IT - no epic yard sale necessary. If your FOMO is over a one-time event or truly unique piece of jewelry, consider what you a really wanting from that thing/experience. Will you be able to access a source to fulfill that desire again? If so, breathe, and consider moving on.
3) What are you choosing to not do by choosing to do / buy that FOMO target? In other words, if you give in to the FOMO and go to the event / buy the thing, what are you missing out on by doing so? (You’re basically using FOMO against itself until it gets so tired of running in circles that it loses its attractive energy.) What else could you buy with that money you spent, or how else could you have spent your time instead of going to that gathering? Which leads to…
4) Always ask, “WWMBSD” - “What Would My Best Self Do”? There’s a version of you that feels alive, peaceful, strong, free, compassionate, loving, and at ease with the flow of life. The practices of self-awareness are often about finding what thoughts / beliefs / actions lead to that best version of you (and which ones are toxic to her / him / them). When I was running around the FOMO circles above, that witness self kept chiming in (between bites of popcorn), “what would your best self want”?
I knew that my best self loves the beauty and sensuality of material goods, but is in no way attached to them. And I knew that my best self is dedicated to her work of connecting with others to increase awareness + creative engagement - and that she would choose creating a blog post like this over purchasing some new items for her household.
5) Consider the REAL price of what you are going to do / buy. I might have been able to get a set of towels, bedding, a tent for my daughter, and a fancy coffee maker for under $40 today*. But the complete price of those purchases goes way beyond the dollar value.
I recognize I have a strong attachment to FOMO and to one-time-only deals (really, really strong attachment). Each time I follow through on purchasing that “epic” deal, I reinforce to myself that it is a GOOD thing to do so. Dopamine hit, huge momentary reward. Each time I resist, I create a pause in the habit cycle. I dig out a tiny new rut to follow in my mind, one that says, “it’s OK to not get that deal now”. You are creating and re-creating your habits, one tiny thought and action at a time. The real price of any item involves the habit (beliefs) you are reinforcing by purchasing it.
(*Honest moment here? When I typed that, I cringed and had yet another sudden and strong urge to get off of the computer and drive up there NOW. The practice never ends.)
6) You are what you re-member. You are made of millions of parts … or members (muscles, chemicals, organs, beliefs, thoughts, etc). Those parts (or members) are constantly changing. You are what you bring back within yourself moment by moment - what you re-member**. On my walk, I went between remembering all of the things I’d be missing out on if I didn’t go and remembering all of the values (and reasons I’ve listed above) that meant I should stay home.
Even though I made the decision by the time I got home that I wasn’t going to go, I was re-minded (put back in the mindset) and challenged again. A phone call with someone who said, “why aren’t you going?!” in an almost pleading way, the Facebook pop-up about the event… each of them made me re-member (bring back into myself) those feelings of anxiety and desire for those deals.
What to do in these situations? Take a deep breath. CHOOSE to re-member something different. (I chose to savor my coffee and think about this post.) Become the witness, the awareness, not the attachment to the FOMO. And choose these things over and over and over (because there will always be something else reminding you of the alternative).
(**The concept of “You are what you re-member” is something I introduced recently at an event, and one I will be touching back upon multiple times. There’s a lot to that thought … and I like re-membering it.) ;)
7) Breathe. Just breathe. Often, the rush of feel-good chemicals in the body when thinking about something that will provide immediate reward is irresistable. Thinking about the taste of a sugary glazed donut, the possibilities of excitement and connection at a party, or the deal of a lifetime at an epic yard sale sends the body into go-go-go mode and shuts down the more rational (“WWMBSD”) mind. Pulling yourself back into your breath - feeling the sensations of breathing, allowing the breath to fully fill your lungs and massage your organs, bringing your thoughts back to this here-and-now breath again and again - creates a pause in that go-go-go mode. It’s like pressing on the brake when the FOMO energy is pressing on the accelerator. Breath gives you the opportunity to pause and, without judgment, consider what it is that you really want.
The addictive energy of FOMO isn’t just limited to the fears of missing out. It can happen over anything you desire - from a new car to a trip overseas to a fourth cup of coffee.
These desires pop-up multiple times in a mundane day. The desires aren’t good nor bad. But true freedom comes from being able to pause in the midst of the addictive, habitual craving and decide which desires you want to act upon and which you want to move on from….and then being able to act on that decision.
Life is one practice after another, and there is no “failure” if you give in to a craving that you know wasn’t in your best interest. It’s simply a choice. And in this moment, you have another choice to make. Will you choose the same thing or not?
Here’s to our daily practices.
(…and to knowing that the epic yard sale started 5 minutes ago and I’m still alive and breathing. I’m choosing to believe that creating this post is and will have far more value than having new curtains. Believe with me, please.)